“A heart has no shape, no limits. That’s why you can put almost any kind of thing in it, why it can hold so much.” Yoko Ogawa

 
 

IFS Therapy

What is Internal Family Systems?

Have you ever seen Pixar’s Inside Out? In that movie, the protagonist Riley has a “family” of parts living inside of her, Joy, Anger, Disgust, Sadness, and Fear. While Riley may be the protagonist, the movie is really about the relationships and journeys of these five characters that live inside of her.

Inside Out is a Pixar embodiment of IFS (or Internal Family Systems) therapy. Also referred to as “parts work”, “healing my inner child”, or “shadow work”, IFS proposes that all of us are living with a family of parts inside us. IFS says that these parts are in relationship not only with each other, but also with us. Just as with any other relationship, these relationships with our parts can be healthy, fulfilling, and loving, or they can be painful, harmful, or dysfunctional. At its core, IFS is a practice of building a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.

 

The Self and Our Parts

The Self

We are all born with an inner immutable Self. This Self is a concept that exists in many different cultures across the world. Sometimes referred to as their Soul, Inner Light, Highest Being, Highest Self, or Innate Being, Self Energy is the immutable core that exists within all of us. Self Energy is when we feel absolutely connected to our own selves - filled with our own wisdom, intuition, peace, clarity, and calm. Self Energy is when we are able to feel infinite capacity, even when our life circumstances may feel overwhelming and unbearable. It is the “deep ground of our being”. The Self is pure unadulterated compassion, kindness, and acceptance of our being. There are no strings attached, no ulterior motive, nothing you need to achieve - the Self is compassion just because you are. In IFS, Self Energy is described using the 8 C’s:

The 8 C’s of Self Energy

  • compassion

  • curiosity

  • clarity

  • creativity

Our Parts

  • calm

  • confidence

  • courage

  • connectedness

On the other hand, we develop Parts throughout our lives. Some Parts are given to us, via intergenerational trauma, while others are developed through our lived experiences. Parts are full-feeling beings, capable of a range of emotions and thoughts.  

They all have their own history, background, and preferred ways of being seen and understood. For example, a traumatic experience can create a traumatized Part that feels stuck in the memory and pain of that trauma. Or, we may live with Perfectionist Parts that believe there is absolutely no room for less-than-perfect. Moreover, we may have an Anxious Part that cannot relax, especially in certain situations. Parts can also help us — like a deeply Empathetic Part can help us better understand those around us. 

Common IFS Parts

  • Anxious Parts

  • Perfectionist Parts

  • Critical Parts

  • Solution Seeker Parts

  • Insecure Parts

  • Judgmental Parts

  • Self Harming/Suicidal Parts

  • Avoidant Parts

  • Self Blaming Parts

  • “I’m a bad person” Parts

  • Self Loathing Parts

  • Obsessive Parts

  • Ruminating Parts

  • Controlling Parts

  • Wounded Child Parts

  • Worthless Parts

  • Self Doubtful Parts

  • Angry Parts

  • Highly Sensitive Parts

  • Cognitive/Overthinking Parts

  • Disassociated Parts

Living with Parts is not a bad or pathological thing. Rather, it’s a very natural part of the human experience, and it happens all the time. Think of a time when you felt conflicted about a decision—for example, what to have for dinner. A part of you wants Korean BBQ, and another part of you wants hamburgers. At that moment, you’ve experienced your different Parts. 

While living with Parts is natural and can help you, it can also sometimes hurt you. Parts can even get so stuck that they begin to block our access to our inner Soul, getting so loud that they take over while you feel “out of control” of your own actions and feelings. It can cover up our Light, and distance us from that compassionate, kind, warm sense of being.

No Bad Parts

If you’ve ever felt out of control while your parts took over, it may be hard to believe that there are no such things as bad parts. After all, if a part causes us to lash out against our loved ones, push them away, or make us hurt ourselves, how can they be good?

But IFS has a different approach to these parts. Rather than labeling them as ‘bad’, IFS views them as parts that are stuck or hurting. These parts don’t have the intention to hurt you. They are just trying to get their own needs met by acting out behaviors, and these behaviors may ultimately end up being harmful to you.

Our parts also don’t want to cause us pain or difficulties in our relationships. If they knew any other way to get their needs met that doesn’t hurt us, they would. But since they don’t yet know how to do that, they just do what they know. It’s time to be on the same side as our hurting parts, not view them as the enemy that wants to hurt us.

How Does IFS Work?

Your IFS journey will start with getting familiar with your current parts - their histories, their origins, their burdens, their desires, their relationships with other parts and with you. Each part is unique, which means we need to take the time to get to know each individual part. Perhaps surprisingly, this part of the process is usually the longest part of the IFS journey. After all, how long could it take to get to know something? But if our parts have been demonized and shamed, it may take a while for them to trust us and to be vulnerable with us. Also, if we already have a preconceived notion of a part, or if we’re already exhausted by how this part has made us feel, it may take a while for us to see this part clearly without that frustration and powerlessness coloring our understanding. But slowly, with time and effort, we will experience a shift to being able to accept our parts with our Self Energy.

When we’re able to see our parts with compassion, calm, connectedness, and curiosity, we’re then able to change our relationship with them. Do they need to unburden a trauma that they’ve been holding onto for many years? Do they need you to stand up for them? Or do they need to share with you their fears, worries, and anxieties?

Throughout the IFS journey, you’ll learn the practice of a loving relationship with yourself; one with compassion, kindness, care, and tenderness, where you understand your parts for the burdens they carry, rather than judge them for the way they are stuck in maladaptive patterns. You’ll be able to experience a connection with yourself that is inherently healing and liberating, and experience what it’s like to be confident in your own inner light and wisdom.

IFS and You

How you live and experience your life does not have to be determined by the anxiety, traumatic experiences, or inner conflict you battle. IFS can finally help you feel grounded, at peace, and in harmony with yourself.  

If you’re curious about what living a life full of connection, calm, compassion, and clarity may be like, please contact us to schedule a consultation.